Photo Heart Connection: June

This might seem like an odd choice for my Photo Heart Connection this past month but this image depicts how I've been feeling lately . . . somewhat off kilter.

My facial nerve pain has been bad the last few weeks and I'm also battling with a herniated disc.  Both have put a severe cramp in my creative efforts and I haven't been out much with the camera.  I hope to remedy that soon and apologize if things are a little disjointed around here lately.

 

I will be taking a short break over the holiday weekend to spend time with family but will catch you all on the other side.  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Linking up with Photo Heart Connection.

Neuralgia

a bag of nerves
cinched
in a vice grip
of gritted teeth
grinding shards
of rose tinted glass
that sever nothing

as searing hot hooks
g o u g e
burning flesh
and the dead weight
of a bloody carcass
hangs suspended

its disfigured silhouette
marred
with psychological scars
of fear and pain
 
Linking up with dVerse

Unmoored

 

unmoored, cast adrift

in a fierce sea of pain

my life raft, a bed

of knotted sheets

down and feather

nerve endings clinging

to barnacle covered rocks

grated, bloody and raw

as each new surge

masks signals of distress

tossed ashore

with a pain hangover

the weight of a drunken sailor

I drag myself forward

in search of solid ground

Attention Seekers

 

"pain", "pain", "pain" I howl

but "wolf" is all they hear

 

sick of being fooled

by cunning attention seekers

their backs turn

 

immune to my cries, to their lies

not recognizing the irrefutable

truth licks at their face

 

Linking up with dVerse and Imaginary Garden With Real Toads.  Inspired by the boy who cried wolf.

Introversion

My facial nerve pain has been spiking a lot recently.  It seems to be worse during winter and with low pressure.  This weekend was a particularly rough one with quite a lot of pain.  It gets a little frustrating when it prevents me from doing many of the things I like to do such as painting, reading, writing or computer work, however, I did manage to finish a book called Introvert Power that I'd been reading.  I have to admit I'm not big into self-help type books and to be honest there are not many books I read that I truly love but this one definitely stood out.

It shines a huge spot light on the misconceptions of being an Introvert and not only explores the different ways Introverts and Extroverts view situations, but also focuses on many of the Introverts strengths.  I was surprised to learn that approximately 50% of the population are Introverts and shocked to discover that, until just recently, introversion was labeled a disorder in the field of psychology!

This book contains a lot of insightful information and I believe that many would benefit from reading this, particularly Introverts but also Extroverts wishing to understand the Introverts in their lives.

Stealer Of Time

 

a grotesque predator
stealer of time
turned uglier with sound
holds you captive
with bolts of searing pain

a survey of your armory
reveals no effective defense
against blazing hot talons
that claw and drag
                            pierce and stab
their torturous ascent

"it's all in her head"
shatters the silence

lying twisted and contorted
coiled in the shadows
the irony splits you open

Birthday Reflections

Today is my birthday . . . I am forty one years young.  At least that's what I try telling myself (as though reciting some positive affirmation I'm trying to believe in).  Truth is I feel anything but.  The years seem to slip by and when I pluck up the courage to actually look in the mirror, I often don't recognize the woman looking back at me.

 

I don't mean to wallow but it is my party and I'll cry if I want to.  Okay, so I'm keeping the tears on hold but this past week has been a tough one.  I've had a migraine every day and my facial nerve pain has spiked which has left me feeling less than upbeat.  At least I have a craniosacral treatment this afternoon which I'm hoping will help.

 

They say that stress exacerbates pain so the citizenship test I will be taking tomorrow probably isn't helping.  I break out into a cold sweat at the mere thought of a test.  All common sense flies right out the window and words all to often fail me.  I'm hoping that tomorrow my brain gives me a break and makes an exception.

Self Portrait Series: Letting Go

Warning:  Some of you may find this disturbing.

'Suicide' is a word that most people talk about in hushed whispers or that some find unable to say at all.  It often makes people feel uncomfortable, emotional, distressed, angry even and they try to hold it out at arms length in the hope that it won't reach out and touch them in some way.

 

Never in a million years did I think I would find myself seriously contemplating suicide but the excruciating pain I experienced the last couple of years brought me to my knees and had me questioning whether I could make it through one more minute let alone one more day.

 

 

Even though my pain levels have dropped significantly I still find myself creating pieces which reflect the intense pain I experienced at the height of my facial neuralgia.  Almost as though it's something inside of me that I need to get out, to express in some way.

 

This piece depicts part of that journey of the wanting to let go . . . . . of the person I was slipping away.  I have chosen to display it on the wall in my studio next to my 'Love' sign for it was love that pulled me through.

Face Your Fears - Portrait Series

I finished a new piece of artwork just before leaving for the UK but have only now had the chance to take some photos.  It's titled 'Face Your Fears' and is a new addition to my self portrait series.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I find that snakes often appear in my dreams and seem to represent fear or a warning of some kind which I why I chose to incorporate one in this painting.

Sloth

Many of you will have realised that this past month has been a tough one pain wise.  What makes it harder is knowing that there is no cure, it's all about trying to control it with medication.

 

When the pain is bad it can be hard to work through it and I often find myself curled up in a ball on the sofa.  I'm starting to feel like this guy (although I have to say my nails are a whole lot shorter).

I'm hoping that April is a better month, not only for me but for others too.

Texture Tuesday: Here We Go Again

 

With the cold came the wind and dry air.  She knew she was in trouble for she had come to recognize the signs.  Pain began to travel its familiar path; across her cheekbone, up her nose, over and around her eye, left towards her ear and finally down into her neck.  Medication no match for it this time.  The force of it surprising her as it always did . . . . .

 

For your chance to win a FREE 14"x11" art painting click HERE.

 

Linking up with Texture Tuesday.

He Would Not Let Me Go

This post was difficult to write and describes one of the darkest moments of my life.  If it wasn't for my husband I doubt I would be sitting here today sharing these words with you.

 

Hot metal spikes stab deep into my cheek bone with the force of a pneumatic drill.  Meat hooks tear at my flesh and the weight of the large rotting carcass they carry suddenly overpowers me.  My whole world is turned upside down as though Quentin Tarantino and Roald Dahl have cast me in a sinister version of 'The Twits'.

 

In this altered state of reality everything appears normal but is anything but.  Badly furnished doctors’ offices become the norm where the ticking of the clock is always too loud and time takes on the appearance of a bad car wreck.  The waiting is almost as unbearable as the pain.

 

While my house begins to resemble a small pharmacy, and the list of side effects I experience reads like a bad novel, I acknowledge that now is not the time to be an anomaly.

 

Blood work and tests, CT scans and MRI's, surgery and acupuncture . . . . . nothing alleviates the pain and I feel the blackness closing in, trapping me in some kind of living hell.

 

Days turn into weeks, weeks roll into months and the sofa becomes my life raft.  I cling to it desperately . . . . . sleep my only respite.

 

For over a year his grip remained strong.  Even as my fingers weakened and I began to lose all hope his determination never faltered . . . holding on . . . holding the two of us, knowing that if he could keep going we'd find a way through.

 

Misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis eventually led them to a label . . . . 'Atypical Facial Neuralgia' also commonly referred to as the 'Suicide Disease'.  Not that giving it a name helped.

 

Every direction I took I faced yet another road block and the blackness continued to close in. Not the comforting black of a night sky but a thick dark all consuming black that wrapped its gnarly fingers around me, choking the air from my lungs and plunging me into depths I'd only ever heard about in hushed whispers.

 

The person I was no longer existed.  No thoughts.  No feelings.  Just excruciating pain and whether I had the strength to make it through one more minute.

 

With no obvious way through I wanted out and so I began to let go . . .  to release my grip.  First one finger, then another but I could hear something in the distance.  It was a voice.  It was his voice telling me "you are strong”, "you are the brave".

 

I was slipping, slipping, slipping.  My fingernails bloody and broken from trying to claw my way back . . . my muscles tired and weak from the long fight.  Every fiber of my being wanted to let go but that voice was like a niggle that I just couldn't shake.

 

Then up ahead I saw a flash of light. Not in the aaaaaah, singing angels kind of way but more a twinkle of light that you know deep down holds the promise of hope.  Moving towards it I held my hand to my eyes, shielding them from the sudden brightness and there he was saying "you are strong", "you are bravest person I know".  What he didn't realize was that it was his own strength and his own bravery that saved me.

 

Cross-posted over at Jason's blog 'Love Letters & Suicide Notes'.