Chicago: Part III

On our last day we decided to visit both the Shedd Aquarium and the Fields Museum.  They were incredible and I'd love to revisit them, especially as you could spent a whole day in each one alone.

 

The jelly fish exhibit was fantastic, almost made me like them!

 

I love seahorses and found myself drawn to them several times while we were there.  They are the most beautiful creatures and have an air of magic to them.

 

Unfortunately I didn't get many photos at the Fields Museum but it is phenomenal.  I can't recommend it highly enough.  We got to meet Sue, their resident T-Rex, and I just loved all the bones, mammals and totem poles they had on display.

There were so many highlights over the course of our anniversary weekend but the best would have to be the poem that my husband wrote for me.  I should mention that when we got married I gave him a silver pocket watch with the words 'hand in hand as we walk in the white sand' engraved on it.

 

Hand - together warmed by loving touch in the mittens

In- love from a shake through the years with increasing smitten

Hand - with a ring, look at me, with blue eyes filled in emotion

As - I look deep within, first time, an inkling more than a notion

We - one from that moment, relentlessly, lovingly build the flame

Walk - the winding path through valleys of joy, hills of pain

On - towards future unknown but built together and united

The - love shared anticipation,  like a child again, excited

White - has started but will be complete with bond even stronger

Sand - of time, my love, for you today, everyday,  will last longer

 

by my wonderful husband, Bryan Dechairo

Every Time

“If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.”

Anon

He Would Not Let Me Go

This post was difficult to write and describes one of the darkest moments of my life.  If it wasn't for my husband I doubt I would be sitting here today sharing these words with you.

 

Hot metal spikes stab deep into my cheek bone with the force of a pneumatic drill.  Meat hooks tear at my flesh and the weight of the large rotting carcass they carry suddenly overpowers me.  My whole world is turned upside down as though Quentin Tarantino and Roald Dahl have cast me in a sinister version of 'The Twits'.

 

In this altered state of reality everything appears normal but is anything but.  Badly furnished doctors’ offices become the norm where the ticking of the clock is always too loud and time takes on the appearance of a bad car wreck.  The waiting is almost as unbearable as the pain.

 

While my house begins to resemble a small pharmacy, and the list of side effects I experience reads like a bad novel, I acknowledge that now is not the time to be an anomaly.

 

Blood work and tests, CT scans and MRI's, surgery and acupuncture . . . . . nothing alleviates the pain and I feel the blackness closing in, trapping me in some kind of living hell.

 

Days turn into weeks, weeks roll into months and the sofa becomes my life raft.  I cling to it desperately . . . . . sleep my only respite.

 

For over a year his grip remained strong.  Even as my fingers weakened and I began to lose all hope his determination never faltered . . . holding on . . . holding the two of us, knowing that if he could keep going we'd find a way through.

 

Misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis eventually led them to a label . . . . 'Atypical Facial Neuralgia' also commonly referred to as the 'Suicide Disease'.  Not that giving it a name helped.

 

Every direction I took I faced yet another road block and the blackness continued to close in. Not the comforting black of a night sky but a thick dark all consuming black that wrapped its gnarly fingers around me, choking the air from my lungs and plunging me into depths I'd only ever heard about in hushed whispers.

 

The person I was no longer existed.  No thoughts.  No feelings.  Just excruciating pain and whether I had the strength to make it through one more minute.

 

With no obvious way through I wanted out and so I began to let go . . .  to release my grip.  First one finger, then another but I could hear something in the distance.  It was a voice.  It was his voice telling me "you are strong”, "you are the brave".

 

I was slipping, slipping, slipping.  My fingernails bloody and broken from trying to claw my way back . . . my muscles tired and weak from the long fight.  Every fiber of my being wanted to let go but that voice was like a niggle that I just couldn't shake.

 

Then up ahead I saw a flash of light. Not in the aaaaaah, singing angels kind of way but more a twinkle of light that you know deep down holds the promise of hope.  Moving towards it I held my hand to my eyes, shielding them from the sudden brightness and there he was saying "you are strong", "you are bravest person I know".  What he didn't realize was that it was his own strength and his own bravery that saved me.

 

Cross-posted over at Jason's blog 'Love Letters & Suicide Notes'.

Twists & Turns

 

from

that moment

all those years ago

when you took my hand

and we danced under the night sky

our life has been full of twists and turns

who knows the direction the next twist will take us

all I know is there's no-one I'd rather twist with than you

Scintilla Project: You Rescued Me

Prompt:  No one does it alone. Write a letter to your rescuer or mentor (be it a person, book, film, record, anything). Share the way they lit up your path.

 

through the doctor visits and surgeries

you were there for me

when I didn't understand

you explained it to me

when no one else understood

you got me

when I was scared and confused

you comforted me

when I couldn't help myself

you cared for me

through the good times and the bad

you supported me

when I was in so much pain I wanted to die

you rescued me

Linking up with the Scintilla Project