He Would Not Let Me Go

This post was difficult to write and describes one of the darkest moments of my life.  If it wasn't for my husband I doubt I would be sitting here today sharing these words with you.

 

Hot metal spikes stab deep into my cheek bone with the force of a pneumatic drill.  Meat hooks tear at my flesh and the weight of the large rotting carcass they carry suddenly overpowers me.  My whole world is turned upside down as though Quentin Tarantino and Roald Dahl have cast me in a sinister version of 'The Twits'.

 

In this altered state of reality everything appears normal but is anything but.  Badly furnished doctors’ offices become the norm where the ticking of the clock is always too loud and time takes on the appearance of a bad car wreck.  The waiting is almost as unbearable as the pain.

 

While my house begins to resemble a small pharmacy, and the list of side effects I experience reads like a bad novel, I acknowledge that now is not the time to be an anomaly.

 

Blood work and tests, CT scans and MRI's, surgery and acupuncture . . . . . nothing alleviates the pain and I feel the blackness closing in, trapping me in some kind of living hell.

 

Days turn into weeks, weeks roll into months and the sofa becomes my life raft.  I cling to it desperately . . . . . sleep my only respite.

 

For over a year his grip remained strong.  Even as my fingers weakened and I began to lose all hope his determination never faltered . . . holding on . . . holding the two of us, knowing that if he could keep going we'd find a way through.

 

Misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis eventually led them to a label . . . . 'Atypical Facial Neuralgia' also commonly referred to as the 'Suicide Disease'.  Not that giving it a name helped.

 

Every direction I took I faced yet another road block and the blackness continued to close in. Not the comforting black of a night sky but a thick dark all consuming black that wrapped its gnarly fingers around me, choking the air from my lungs and plunging me into depths I'd only ever heard about in hushed whispers.

 

The person I was no longer existed.  No thoughts.  No feelings.  Just excruciating pain and whether I had the strength to make it through one more minute.

 

With no obvious way through I wanted out and so I began to let go . . .  to release my grip.  First one finger, then another but I could hear something in the distance.  It was a voice.  It was his voice telling me "you are strong”, "you are the brave".

 

I was slipping, slipping, slipping.  My fingernails bloody and broken from trying to claw my way back . . . my muscles tired and weak from the long fight.  Every fiber of my being wanted to let go but that voice was like a niggle that I just couldn't shake.

 

Then up ahead I saw a flash of light. Not in the aaaaaah, singing angels kind of way but more a twinkle of light that you know deep down holds the promise of hope.  Moving towards it I held my hand to my eyes, shielding them from the sudden brightness and there he was saying "you are strong", "you are bravest person I know".  What he didn't realize was that it was his own strength and his own bravery that saved me.

 

Cross-posted over at Jason's blog 'Love Letters & Suicide Notes'.

What Was Lost: Reverb12

Prompt:  What was lost, what was found?  What was lost in 2012? What do you intend to find in 2013?

My muse got herself lost (a lot) this year and no amount of yelling, sulking, bribing, cajoling or threatening was going to bring her home.  But wait . . . listen . . . do you hear that music?  I think she's putting on her dancing shoes and getting ready to twirl me into 2013.  I'm ready!

What about you?

Inspired By: Reverb12

Prompt:  Who inspired you?  Who inspired you in 2012? And why?  What gifts did they give you? And how will you carry these forward in to 2013?

 

My blogging friends . . . . they inspired me.  They have given me the gift of words, the gift of photography, the gift of art, the gift of friendship, the gift of encouragement, the gift of understanding, the gift of experiencing the world and seeing it with new eyes.

 

Whether it's been through your comments on my own blog or through the gifts I've found on yours I would like to say thank you.  Thank you for showing up, thank you for being there and thank you for being you.

Some Days . . .

Some days it's all about snuggling on the sofa while the rain beats down outside.

Learning: Reverb12

Prompt:  What did you learn?  Compare the “you” from the beginning of 2012 to the “you” that you are now. What new skills or talents have you learned or discovered this year?

my muse needs to sit in the shadows every once in a while

 

patience remains my teacher but I am a slow learner

 

pain can take you to the darkest of places

 

animals make life interesting

 

it doesn't hurt to ask

 

to breathe

 

to be

Celebrate: Reverb12

Prompt:  How will you celebrate you?  How are you going to celebrate yourself this festive season.

I thought I would celebrate me by not being me

 

but maybe its about being more than I can be

 

confused?  you should be

 

are you with me?

Most Significant Expenditure: Reverb12

Prompt:  What was your most significant expenditure in 2012?  It doesn’t have to be necessarily the biggest expenditure, just the one with the most impact.

I have always been close to my mum so living in a different country can be hard, even more so when I know she is ill or in pain. 

 

She has had quite a rough ride this year with numerous doctors visits, emergency room visits and surgeries so I wanted to do something (other than calling) to let her know that I'm always with her.

 

I decided to have a stone etched with the word 'cwtch'.  Cwtch is a welsh word that means snuggling, cuddling, loving, hugging, protecting and safeguarding all rolled into one.  Being welsh it was a word that was used frequently in our home and even though I don't speak welsh I still use that term today. 

 

Her reaction when she received it just blew me away, the perfect gift that meant so much.  I now own my own 'cwtch' stone that she bought for me in return and even though we are separated by many miles, our love knows no bounds.

How Do I Feel: Reverb12

Prompt:  Take a moment, close your eyes, take a deep breath and ask yourself the question: how do you feel . . . in your body? in your mind? in your day job? in your creative life? in your heart?

 

 

I feel

 

lost and found

happy and sad

 

free yet stuck

 

creative but lacking

confident but insecure

 

good yet bad

 

optimistic and doubtful

motivated and indifferent

 

loved yet unloveable

 

seen but unheard

here but not present 

 

but the point is . . . I feel!

Photo Heart Connection: November

 

Winter arrived trailing its fingers across the landscape, draining all color in its wake.  Death and suspension litter our surroundings and I find myself tinged with sadness as though experiencing this as a personal loss. 

 

Temperatures dip and the days grow shorter forcing me into my own form of suspended state. . . retreating, reflecting, reassessing.

 

It's a time for winter coats, hats, scarves and brisk walks; for hot drinks, comfort food, warm blankets and books; for bubble baths, slippers, lotion and warm cotton pyjamas; for curling up in front of a log fire and movie marathons.

 

It would seem that we all need a time of rest . . . but even in this state nature is still the best elixir.

Linking up with Kat for this months' Photo Heart Connection.

Shudder

There's a pinkish hue to an otherwise grey sky.  The trees seem to embrace their nakedness and for a moment I wish I could do the same.

A cardinal sings for their food, a welcome splash of color in this monotone world.

Opening the door the cold hits me like a sledge hammer, momentarily taking my breath away.  The dog enters unfazed bringing the cold of the outside in.  I shudder as I feel her ice cold ears.  I'm quick to retreat to the comfort of the sofa and a warm blanket that awaits me there. 

I need to venture out today, to feel winter's rawness on my skin but for now I'm going to steal more minutes inside, in the warmth, in the comfort of my home.

Celebrating Life

 

My friend Kelly reminds me to celebrate life . . .  not just the big stuff but the small every day moments.  

 

Such as in a fallen leaf, in the wings of a bird, in the crackle of a freshly lit fire, in savoring the morning with a mug of tea, in snuggling up with a good book, in sunrises and sunsets, in the magic of moonlit nights, in friendships (young and old).

 

Kelly has an amazing way with words and my visits to her blog always leave me inspired and moved in some way. Today you will find Kelly celebrating her 50th Birthday.  Won't you join me over at that's mrs. mediocrity to you in wishing her lots of love, laughter and happiness for this special birthday.  If you're not familiar with Kelly's blog why not check it out while you're there, I promise you won't leave disappointed.

 

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

New Art Venue

During a trip to historic downtown Milford I was fortunate to meet Janet and Jeff, the owners of One Main Gallery.  I just fell in love with their space and am excited to share that you can now find my original mixed media paintings and other items on display there.

Downtown Milford is hosting a Hometown Holidays event this Thanksgiving weekend so if you're in the area why not shop local and have some fun with live music and horse-drawn rides . . . . . and of course Janet and Jeff at One Main Gallery would love it if you stopped by and said "Hi".

 

For Each Thing There Is A Season

 

Fall begins to slip through my fingers while Winter muscles its way in, always so impatient. I grasp hold of Fall's rich vibrant cloak but only succeed in dragging it to the floor.  Wet muddy and crumpled it lays discarded at my feet.  I heave a sigh and look up to find it already replaced by muted tones of brown and grey. 

 

I sit here and mourn my loss a while, already anxious for Fall's next visit . . .

 

. . . until I notice Jack Frost, Winter's accomplice has been dancing around our yard.  My mood lightens and I can't help but smile as I realize that for each thing there is a season.

The Birds Are Back

We've finally got our feeders out and the birds have been going crazy.  Only trouble is the windows are dirty so I'm going to have to get out there and do some cleaning soon.  There's also a lot of glare and reflection which is making photographing them difficult but I'm going to persevere.

 

So far I've seen Nuthatches, Blackcapped Chickadees, Tufted Titmice, Carolina Wrens, Cardinals and some rather loud Blue Jays.  It's great watching them feed and how they choose what they want.

 

 

What feathered visitors do you have at the moment?

Back In The Studio

This weekend I found myself back in the studio painting and it felt good.  Looking at this shot I've realized why I often suffer with neck and shoulder pain, I must try and angle the work not my head when I paint.  Saying that I used to always write at a funny angle when I was at school too.  Guess old habits die hard.

 

 

Ravyn hates it when I spent time in my work area and whines whether I'm on the computer or painting.  When she eventually tires she takes herself out onto the landing and throws herself down on the floor in a big huff (I have to laugh).  You can see Ravyn in the shot below scanning the room for chewable items!

 

 

The cats make better studio partners as they love to curl up on the window seat and just be nearby . . .

 

 

. . . until it's time for their dinner and then they start pacing in front of the computer screen and giving me lots of nose nuzzles.

 

 

In the shot below you can see an old shirt hanging on the back of my chair . . . I'm supposed to be wearing that to protect my clothes from paint but I always seem to forget.  Thankfully I made it through this session unscathed but most of the time that's not the case.

 

 

What projects are you working on right now?  Do you have furry friends that keep you company while you get creative?

Lost In The Connection

There is something magical that happens when you lock eyes with an animal and find yourself lost in the connection.

 

I love horses but have to admit that I'm a little scared of them too.  This handsome guy seemed as fascinated with me as I was with him.  Reaching my hand out towards him he was a little hesitant, probably sensing my own nervousness. . .  but then he lowered his head and allowed me to stroke him.  I know he couldn't understand me but I spoke to him anyway, low and reassuring.  His eye constantly seeking out mine.

 

His muzzle felt like velvet beneath my fingertips, pure bliss.  One of those rare moments which felt like a true gift.

Girl Gone Wild

Just a little something to lighten the mood today.  What is it they say about dogs looking like their owners?

At A Loss

 

I feel as though my photography has lost its edge and the creative spark has all but been extinguished.

 

I realize that things like putting a house up for sale, packing away art supplies, moving into a new home, setting up in a new state, creating a new studio, having a puppy in the house, a torn cartilage, surgery and physio have all contributed to a slowing down, a break in creativity but I can't help the frustration I feel.

 

My head says to go easy on myself, to stop giving myself such a hard time but my heart sits here and ponders if my muse is going to show up again and whether it will be anytime soon.

What Is

 

The rain continues to fall but there's a sudden softness; a quietness to it. Almost apologetic, sad that it was seen to lose its temper.  Yet it's reluctant to make future promises, especially ones it cannot keep.  So for now we take what is, the here and now.  Tomorrow?  Well that's another day.

I Feel It In My Bones

The sky, once blue, now finds itself draped in a cloak of grey.  Wind and rain shout obscenities through the window panes, unwilling to be ignored.

 

The chill of the air continues to envelope me long after I shut the door  on it.  Seeping its way down into my bones, holding in its gnarly hands the promise of something more.

 

Hoping that 'Sandy' passes us all by and that regular 'autumn' weather can resume again soon.  Stay safe everyone.